Mark McGwire is Hilarious

Remember the blog I wrote on Tom Cable where I probably made him want to cry? Well I’ve decided to do that again, and Mark McGwire has given me the perfect target. I know I use the phrase “accidently hilarious” a lot, but McGwire gets put in that category.

For those who haven’t heard the Big Mac admitted to using steroids yesterday, sending the sports world into a spiral. Ok, not really. The average response was very similar to when that American Idol dude announced he was gay; the entire nation collectively said, “yea, we know.”

First of all, why did he cry? He isn’t telling the world his uncle molested him as a child, he is saying he cheated over ten years ago. I mean come on. The first time we saw an athlete cry because he was admitting he took steroids, it was endearing. Now, it is as expected as Brett Favre retiring after every NFL season.

The best ever will always be A-Rod last season when he just randomly stopped in mid sentence and gave an Oscar winning performance. He even squeezed out a few tears for something he clearly didn’t care about. The whole thing could not have been more rehearsed.

Next came the excuses, which is always fun. I haven’t used “lol” since middle school, but this is the closest I have ever come. For McGwire to say that he didn’t take the steroids for increasing his power was a hilarious move. The American public is stupid, but not that idiotic.

My favorite part was when he said that “God gave him the gift to hit homeruns.” I might be able to let this slide if his stats didn’t say otherwise…that is unless God only gave him this ability for only four seasons. If the ability to hit homeruns was from God, then how did you only hit 30-35 homeruns a year for the Athletics until 1996? Is it just that God hate Oakland? I mean, everyone else does, but I thought God might be able to look past that.

Every sports outlet has covered all of this, and yet, not a single person has pointed out the best part of the entire interview. Mark McGwire has lost so much weight because he isn’t juicing any more that his neck definitely looks like a vagina. Seriously, look up the video. If you can take your eyes off his neck and concentrate on what he is saying, you clearly didn’t have as much fun as I did with that interview.

Never in my life have I seen someone who needed a scarf more than McGwire. I know that he hasn’t been relevant for ten years, but there is no way that he isn’t aware of High Def television. So there wasn’t one point during makeup where he realized that his neck needed to be hidden from my sight. After all, it is all about me.

The timing of this announcement makes a lot of sense because he is going to be the hitting coach for the Cardinals this year. What doesn’t make sense is why he is going to be the hitting coach. Even if we believe that he isn’t 100% full of shit about his homeruns, and is maybe just 50%, he still isn’t qualified to be a hitting coach. He had the most uppercut swing in all of baseball, and was a career .263 hitter. Now, if he had a title like “herbal supplement provider”, it would be understandable. After all, I wouldn’t say Albert Pujols is definitely on steroids, but

I would pay good money to go to the Cards’ first day of spring training to see the first conversation between McGwire and Albert Pujols. Does Pujols laugh when McGwire tries to give him advice? I would.

At the end of the day, this admission wasn’t a big sports story. In fact, it was covered less than any other steroid story since the beginning of “steroid era.” I just wanted to make sure you were able to see a neck that resembles the female reproductive organ so much, the FCC should have been forced to blurr it out.

The Best of the 2000's Part 1: Best Stories

As the end of decade approaches, it is time for us to look back at the last ten years. You have most likely spent hours watching what are the most remarkable moments and best players of the decade over the last week, so I won’t bore you with that. Instead, I will remind you of the funniest or absurd stories and players of the decade. I will cover the best stories, my favorite people, the most annoying people, and my favorite teams. Enjoy¹.

FAVORITE STORIES OF THE DECADE:

Whizzinator (2005)- I start with this because some people don’t remember it and that is a shame. This is the funniest story of any decade, not just this one. In 2005, Minnesota Viking runningback Onterrio Smith’s carry-on bag spilled all over the floor of an airport and out fell what appeared to be a fake penis. Now, before you make a dildo joke here, stay focused because it gets better. As it turned out, this prosthetic penis, coined the whizzinator, was used to pass drug tests by storing a sample of clean urine inside it in the event that your drug test had to be done in front of a witness. You simply pulled out your fake dick and took a piss with it. Not funny enough for you? Would it be funnier if I told you that there was a website that sold them in different colors and sizes so there was one that fit everyone²? Yea, I thought so.

Tiger Woods’ affair (2009)- hopefully you still remember this, seeing that it happened like three weeks ago. You know why this story is so great? I am a die-hard Tiger fan and this will never get old. Nearly everyone alive has made a joke or skit about this and they are all hilarious. The SNL skit was comedic genius and the CollegeHumor one was just as legendary. Tiger, I love you and all that, but watching your epic fail of a private life made my year.

XFL (2000-01)- In 1999, WWF president Vince McMahon had an amazing idea…he should create a competing football league that was just like the NFL, except give it a bunch of stupid new rules³, and have half of the game focus on the cheerleaders. Smart right? My favorite part was the name. Most people assumed “XFL” stood for the “eXtreme Football League” but that is where it gets fun. You see, there was already an “eXtreme Football League” so McMahon couldn’t use it. Instead, he made it so XFL just didn’t stand for anything. After two horrible years, the league folded and people finally realized that starting another football league was retarded⁴.

Miguel Tejada (2008)- After agreeing to talk with an ESPN reporter on the network’s new show “E:60” under the thought that it was regarding steroids, Tejada was blindsided worst than a deer after jumping on to the beltway. Instead of steroids, Tejada was interrogated about his age. Tejada started out confused and stated he was born in 1976 as he always has. Unfortunately, the reporter was a little bit more informed. He (or she, I don’t recall) had his REAL birth certificate which show that not only was he two years older, but also showed his last name was spelled T-E-J-E-D-A. The look on his face was priceless and made for awkward pause. His response? Storming off the set. He pulled the “Screw you guys, I’m going home” comeback that Cartman⁵ pulls so much.

Michael Jordan as a General Manager (2001-present)- What he did as a player is almost totally negated by what he has done as a GM. Harsh you say? Ask anyone in Washington D.C. and they will agree. In the nations capital, he used the 2001 first overall pick on the biggest bust of all time (Kwame Brown), and followed that up with first round picks of Jared Jeffries in 2002 and Jarvis Hayes in 2003. To small a sample you say? After being exiled from D.C. Charlotte decided they wanted to suck and gave him the reigns of the team. What did he do? Draft Adam Morrison number four overall in 2006, traded the ’07 pick for a washed up Jason Richardson, and an undersized DJ Augustin in ’08. I could go more in depth here, like talk about him trading for the cancer known as Stephen Jackson, but I won’t waste your time. I just did? Damnit…sorry.

Post Game Conferences- We have entered the YouTube era, where if you say something dumb in a conference, you are a legend by the next morning. The best by far are Jim Mora Sr.’s, known just as “PLAYOFFS?!” Allen Iverson’s on practice, and Denny Green’s on how the Bears “are who with thought they were.” If you haven’t seen these, you are voiding yourself of a good laugh. I would love to make fun of these, but nothing I say can do them justice. They are comedic masterpieces on their own.

The Congressional Steroid Hearing (2005)- This decade will always be known for the rampant use of steroids by athletes in all sports. While this is a serious concern for almost all, the congressional hearing was filled with unintentional hilarity. Let’s go over the top three funniest factors:

1. Mark McGwire- I’m not sure what McGwire thought the purpose of the hearing was, but he didn’t seem to realize that it was about him. He was asked about his steroid use about a thousand times, and every time, he said “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to discuss the future.” That might have worked out, if there was ANYONE there that wasn’t attending strictly because they wanted to know if he took ‘roids

2. Sammy Sosa- Slammin’ Sammy had been in the MLB for 15 years by the time of the hearing, and despite this fact, he seemed to need a translator at the hearing. I had seen the man speak perfect English in interviews a thousand times, but I guess that is irrelevant⁶.

3. Rafael Palmeiro- After the hearing, Raffy was definitely the good guy. He was the only one who spoke freely, and said convincingly that he did not take steroids. People constantly spoke of how honorable he was and praised his outspokenness for about four and a half months…when our hero tested positive for steroids. His response was so classy. Blamed teammate Miguel Tejada for giving him a B-12 injection that caused the positive test⁷.

Next: Favorite and Most Annoying People of the 2000’s

1. This seriously took me for freaking ever to write. If you don’t enjoy this, go fuck yourself…seriously

2. Do you think a black guy would be able to pull out a three inch white penis and be believed? Me neither.

3. Things like no fair catches on punts, or starting the game by replacing the coin toss at the beginning of each game with an event in which one player from each team sought to recover a football 20 yards away in order to determine possession. (think start of a dodgeball game)

4. Wait…that’s not true. A bunch of morons started the UFL this year despite a history of failed leagues and being in one of the worst economic times ever. At least the XFL had a contract with NBC! The UFL was broadcasted (and not seen) on Versus

5. If you can’t recognize a South Park reference, I can’t help you. Stop reading.

6. It wasn’t going to matter. Even if Sosa somehow did manage to forget the entire English language in one night, it’s not like you need to know much English to plead the 5^th after every question

7. Best part, B-12 isn’t on the list of banned substances and couldn’t possibly have triggered the positive test. Honestly, if you are going to lie AND throw a teammate under the bus, make sure it’s a plausible story