Black Hole Turns Out Just To Be Ron Artest (satire)

In a disappointing finding, scientists have come to the conclusion that what appeared to be the first documented black hole in the history of Earth, was in actuality, Ron Artest.

The black hole, which was first sighted in early November, only seemed to take place when the Lakers had the ball and appeared to be wearing a jersey with the number “37” on it.

“I can’t explain it,” said Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant.” Every time I pass it to what I think is my teammate, the other team has the ball.”

This is what started to spark the interest of astronomers across the nation. If there was indeed a black hole that seemed to be traveling with the Lakers, huge educational gains could be made by studying it.

However, what was thought to be the mystical disappearance of the ball turned out to be nothing more than Artest being a ball-hog and a momentum-killer on offense.

“At first I chalked up the turnovers to just Artest being inept at running an offense, but the more and more it happened, I began thinking there might be something to this ‘black hole’ story,” said head coach Phil Jackson. “I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Either way, he is still killing us on offense.”

As the Lakers enter game six of the NBA Finals, Coach Jackson’s game plan is starting to factor in Artest’s knack for handing the other team the ball – whether it be via terrible shot or turnover.

“Coach [Jackson] has told us to treat him just like another defender on offense because giving him the ball is just like turning the ball over,” said Derek Fisher. “Unless he is in the paint, giving him the ball is just a detriment to the team.”

While there is no doubt of Artest’s negative impact on offense, he will most likely remain in the rotation because of Los Angeles’ lack of a back-up plan in guarding Paul Pierce.

“Did you see Luke Walton try to guard me when Artest wasn’t in? Wasn’t that hilarious?” Pierce said. “I didn’t even have to flop like a little girl to score like I usually do.”

Orioles Setting Up Arrieta To Fail

When the Jake Arrieta takes the field tonight against the New York Yankees, it will not be the ideal scenario for a youngster making his debut.

He will be making his MLB debut on one of the biggest stages in sports.

Even though it is at Camden Yards, calling it a home game is somewhat of a stretch. The stadium will be two-thirds Yankees fans and he will also have to go up against the most powerful team in the history of baseball.

Simple put, this isn’t the scenario you would like to put one of your top prospects in as his first start.

Arrieta is the last of the recent swarm of pitching prospects that will be brought up by the O’s over the last year. The list includes Brad Bergesen, David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Chris Tillman, and Brian Matusz. While, there is yet another wave available in class A and AA, they are a few years off—these are the players of now.

Tonight’s game should be a happy occasion for Baltimore; one that should have been the Orioles showing off the last piece of an already impressive stockpile.

Instead, Arrieta joins a group of pitchers that are 31-52 with a combined 5.09 ERA and make up the majority of one of the worst pitching staffs in baseball.

It is true that not all prospects turn into stars, but what the Orioles seem to have in the pros could turn out to be a prospect graveyard. There is still hope for Matusz, but Hernandez, Berken, Bergesen, and Tillman all seem to be struggling and in danger of turning into duds.

Considering how badly the Orioles need Arrieta to be a success, they don’t seem to be helping him out at all.

Look at how the Nationals handled Stephen Strasburg. They not only waited patiently until he was ready, but they waited until they could play a beatable opponent (the Pirates), and could fill the stands with Nationals fans. Every fan in that stadium was rooting for him.

Instead of doing that, the Orioles are calling up Arrieta because it happens to be convenient for them and are risking his chance of being a successful pitcher in the process.

The Orioles have the worst record in baseball. The idea of calling up a player on the organization’s time instead of when it is best for the player is ludicrous and is quite possible one of the reasons the Orioles can’t succeed in cultivating their talent.

Bringing up Arrieta is reminiscent of the Tillman and Matusz call-ups last year; it is nothing more than a publicity stunt.

The O’s are terrible and can’t get fans to come to the ballpark any more. MacPhail is just using Arrieta as a pawn to get Orioles fans to stay interested. He will probably do the same thing with Josh Bell and Brandon Snyder at the end of the year.

These aren’t the actions of man building a dynasty; they are that of a man who is trying to buy himself some time.

Radio Appearance talking Orioles baseball

Sunday night, I had the pleasure to join Matt Falkenbury on the New York Mets 'Stache Radio to discuss the Baltimore Orioles because they start a three game series on Friday.


Considering it was my first radio appearance, I thought it went great.


My segment starts at 34:50 and goes on for 15 minutes or so. Enjoy!

I took this video off because it started by itself whenever you opened the page and was getting quite annoying. If you are still interested in listening to it, the link is:

www.blogtalkradio/stacheradio/2010/06/07/episode-5

What Dave Trembley Did Wrong and What Samuel Needs To Change

By now it is official. The Baltimore Orioles have fired manager Dave Trembley and have promoted third-base coach Juan Samuel to be the interim skipper.

Now that he is gone, the biggest question is what Trembley failed to do and what Samuel needs to do differently.

To Orioles fans, the firing comes hardly as a surprise, considering most of them have been calling for this for months now.

To say Trembley was disliked would be an understatement. Fans thought he was so bad that for the first time in a decade, Baltimore’s failures were not blamed on owner Peter Angelos.

Fans blamed Trembley for everything, especially the under-performing of the offense. Most of them probably have some sort of Trembley Voodoo doll in their closet with a needle in it for every loss this season. After all, baseball is a superstitious game.

While some Orioles fans are just happy he is gone as if he were the Wicked Witch of the West, they should be focusing on what Trembley is actually responsible for.

The answer to this is that doesn’t come from any particular moves Samuel will make, but rather what this change will do inside the clubhouse.

Some are saying that the losing isn’t all Trembley’s fault because of hampering injuries, but that attitude in the locker room is 100 percent on him.

The Orioles have become stagnant in the past few weeks and have accepted losing as an inevitability. Remember Adam Jones throwing his helmet after an out because he was tired of failing? That isn’t happening anymore because they have stopped caring.

Trebley should have been fired right when that feeling started creeping into the minds of the players.

In post game interviews, Trembley basically sits there and has no insight to why this team is bad. If it’s true that he really does have no idea why the team isn’t performing, then he is truly a terrible manager. However, the most likely scenario is that he doesn’t want to call anybody out- this isn’t any better.

This is the Major Leagues Dave…these aren’t kids we’re dealing with here.

Throughout the entire season of losses, I never heard Trembley yell or criticize his players once. He never held any of them accountable for failures and never got up their butts when careless mistakes were made.

There is a difference between nurturing players and coddling young talent. Trembley clearly coddled them and it has hindered their development.

As his first managerial move, Samuel needs to call Adam Jones into his office and light a fire under him. Call him out for his absolutely terrible plate discipline and poor base running. Let him know he isn’t a young talent, but is instead expected to be one of the stars on this team.

After he lets Jones know what every fan in Baltimore is thinking, do the same with Matt Weiters- then Nick Markakis (I know he has a good average, but his lack of power is disturbing).

These guys were supposed to be the O’s strength, not weakness.

If Baltimore is to see any benefit from this, it will be because someone yelled at this team of apparent children.

It’s been 13 years now since the team was any good. How about getting a manager in there that knows that? Let every player know how embarrassing it is that the Orioles organization has been diminished to a laughing matter when it was feared in the 1980s.

If Angelos won’t pay for a manager to do this for him, I’ll do it for free.