Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Best of the 2000's Part 3: The Most Annoying

This next segment was supposed to be included with my favorite people, but I guess I had a little bit too much love to give out. Instead, you get an entire segment of people I hate. For the most part, you have heard of most of these people, because well, I haven’t exactly been shy about my disliking of them. Oh, well…let the roasting begin!

Joakim Noah- I was going to spend this paragraph talking about how I hate him less now because I don’t have to see him nearly as much now that he is just a decent player in the NBA. However, I put his name in my google search and stumbled onto a picture of his girlfriend…f&%$ that. The guy’s mom is a supermodel and by some mutant genetic mixup, he looks like a werewolf. Despite this, he goes home to that? In the two years Florida won the national championship (’06 and’07), I had to see his stupid ass everywhere because he felt the need to fist pump and let out a monstrous scream every time he scored a freaking basket. In addition, just when I thought I could get over how douchey the guy was, I got to sit in the second row of a Bulls game and realized how bad he is. The picture here is one my mom took…observe.

Michael Jordan- Most people will be like “Nick, how can you hate the greatest basketball player of all time??” My response? All six of his championships were in the 90’s. As for his time with the Wizards, the guy played three shit seasons, never led us to the playoffs, and crippled our franchise because he drafted Kwame Brown (also on the list) when we had the no. 1 pick. He was not the savior of D.C. basketball; that was Gil. He was the old guy that was fired by the owner, got pissed off, and stormed out of town.

Kwame Brown- Part of my hatred for him isn’t his fault; getting drafted number one wasn’t his fault. However, failing worst than the average second round pick was. Kwame had some of the most pure athletic talent I’ve seen and just seemed to not give any effort. I have never, to this day, found a player who cold be more invisible than Kwame on the court. How a guy can play 35 minutes in a game and barely have any stats at all, good or bad, is beyond me. When the Wizards finally traded him, I took pleasure in checking the LA Laker chat boards and watching the Laker fans realize they traded for a piece of crap.

Adam Morrison- Oh man, I’m gonna have a field day with this one. Morrison is my favorite person for many reasons, but they all stem from the pleasure I take in watching him fail.

1. His stupid mustache made everyone compare him to Larry Bird even though I knew his skills couldn’t compete in the athletic NBA.

2. He started to cry…scratch that…sob after his loss in the NCAA tournament. He was basically having a temper tantrum like a seven year old. He held no sense of composure even though he was basically the face of the NCAA at the time.

3. He was the first draft pick by Michael Jordan, who you all know I hate, and I took pleasure in watching him fail.

4. He got a championship ring for being on the Lakers despite getting as much time as the watering boy. Seriously, he didn’t even get to be in the huddle during timeouts. He stood awkwardly.

JJ Redick- I was way harsher on this guy than I needed to. In hindsight, the only reason I was mean to him was because he was the best player on Duke and killed Maryland on a regular basis. That being said, that is still enough of a reason for me to hate him; probably not the several voodoo rituals that I may or may not have performed on him, but still.

Mark Texiera- My hatred of this douche is well documented, so I will just leave it at this…F%&# HIM

Mercury Morris- I wrote about this guy two days ago, but I still need him on the list. The guy hasn’t played ball for 30+ years and is somehow still relevant. Why? Because he is the one player from the 1972 dolphins who thinks it is cool to brag about a record that took place in a different era. There is a reason that he is the only one who is interviewed, because he is the only pompous one on the team that still wants to be known as an ass.

Commentators- It is honestly to not that hard to be a decent analyst. Not everyone can be like the guys I really like such as Mark May, or Merril Hoge, but that doesn’t give them permission to be complete imbeciles. That being said, here is a short list of people that make me cringe every time I hear their voice… Stan Van Gundy, Avery Johnson, Lou Holtz, Jesse Palmer1, Sonny Jurgensen, and Charles Barkley (most of the time).

Well that just about does it. However, you guys know me pretty well. If you think I missed someone let me know and I’ll add them. We only have one more segment to go!

1. I just turned ESPN and immediately heard his dumb ass. Oh well, there goes my good day.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Best of the 2000's Part 2: Favorite People

If you managed to get through the staggeringly long part one of the series, good for you. The fact that you are willing to endure another must mean you are either related to me, or I’m currently behind you with a gun to your head. Just in case the ladder is the truth, I’ll get right in to this. Here are my favorite people from the last ten years.


Shaquille O’Neal- Even if you completely ignore the fact that he was perhaps the most dominant force from 1995-2005, Shaq still affects the NBA as much as anyone in the decade. To say Shaq was lovable is an understatement. From the nicknames he gave himself1, to every single public interview he was in, Shaq made us laugh. I know that it was technically made in 1996, but you have to mention Shaq’s big screen appearance as the star of Kazaam. To say that wasn’t the absolute masterpiece of unintentional comedy, please tell me what is.

Kobe Bryant- Have you ever seen a player go from poster boy for every major corporation, to scum of the Earth, back to an idol? Nope…and you wouldn’t have believed it could even happen before Kobe. My favorite Kobe moment was the commercials Nike had with Kobe talking about why people hate him. He mentions that it might be because he is so good, that he is a leader, because he plays for the Lakers, and other hysterically hubristic ideas. Meanwhile, we are staring at the screen going, “dude, we hate you because you raped a girl. How blinded by pride can you be to possibly think it is anything other than that?” All rape comments aside, I love the guy’s swagger. The fact that he was able to withstand that and still remain a superstar is awesome. Can you think of another athlete that has gotten away with more? He demanded the team trade Shaq, got the greatest coach of all time fired, demanded a trade, and almost sunk low enough to sign with the Clippers. Yet despite all that, we love him. Why? Because he is a winner2. It is not often that I thrash on the guy I consider to be my second favorite player

Peyton Manning- I’m gonna get some crap for this because I was such a Peyton hater up until about two years ago, but I have come around. The guy is hilarious in every commercial he is in. Whether or not he himself is actually funny (as opposed to just being in commercials with great writers), I don’t know, but he has us all convinced of the first.

Terrell Owens- I will be the first to say T.O. is a dick and I would never want him on my team. That being said, I love watching him from a far. I loved every single touchdown dance he every had3, and thought watching him cause the implosion of the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys was like watching the best reality show ever.

Gilbert Arenas- Here is another one I’ll get shit for. My unhealthy love for Gil is well documented and therefore, my thoughts are skewed. However, this is my blog so screw you. Gilbert made players in the NBA seem human again. After having MJ make it seem like basketball players were gods and better than you, Gil was there to let you know that this wasn’t true. His blog let us in on his personal life and showed us he was human. He was super nice when people saw him out and about4, and his success was inspiring because people doubted him every step in his career. Not only that, but “Agent Zero” had a knack for making buzzer-beating shots. He was so clutch, and I won’t ever forget the way I felt after every game-winning buzzer beater he made.

Clinton Portis- Mark Schlereth once said that if it weren’t for player antics, the time from Monday to Sunday would be a long wait. Portis was one who made sure that you were never bored. From 2005 to 2006, Portis made a habit of dressing up as characters such as “Southeast Jerome” and “Coach Janky Spanky” and kept us all laughing. The most important part, when the team struggled in ’06, he called it quits because he wanted to focus on helping the team. That is why I loved it…he made sure it didn’t become a distraction.

LeBron James- I know I’m supposed to hate him and the Cavs, but can you actually do it? He is amazing on the court5, and one of the funniest guys alive, not just in sports. His commercial campaign for Nike “The LeBrons” was awesome, and the new puppet commercials are my favorite of all time As of right now, the kid has been nothing but an outstanding citizen and teammate, and overall makes it more fun to play the game.

Manny Ramirez- Never has one man gotten away with so much because of a nonsensical phrase. “That’s just Manny being Manny” got him out of so much crap it is unbelievable. Let’s think about this. He is one of the worst left fielders ever6, was a total prick, demanded to be traded just about every other week, noticeably tanked in the middle of the 2008 season to force the Red Sox to trade him, and then broke the cardinal rule of baseball by testing positive for steroids this year. Yet despite all of this, people just shake their heads and grin. To be able to get away with all of this and not be a villain to a Barry Bonds7 level.

Mike Tyson- I was talking to a friend recently and decided I would never want to meet Tyson because I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face when he started talking with that lisp of his, and would end up getting the shit beat out of me. From the time he said that he would “eat your children,” I knew we had a character. At that point, he decided we hadn’t had enough and brought us two more chances to give him shit with the epic fail of a comeback, and the greatest face tattoo ever designed. Finally. Tyson buried home his status as funniest boxer ever by playing himself in the Hangover and knocking the crap out of Zach Galifianakis.

Next up: My least favorite people

1. My favorites were “The big Aristotle,” “The Diesel,” “Officer Shaq” (after he became a volunteer policeman in Miami), and “Shaq-ovic” (because players like Sasha Vujacic and Vladimir Radmanovic were so good at shooting, he decided that if he changed his name, to end in “-ovic” he would become a better shooter).

2. The Nike puppet commercial didn’t hurt either. He doesn’t even play his puppets voice and I still love him for it. It is by far my favorite commercial campaign and Kobe and LeBron get my love for it.

3. I also give him credit for the dances of guys like Steve Smith, Chad Johnson, and Joe Horn, because he made it trendy.

4. Perfect example: My junior year, my good friend Austin and I wrote an article on the Wizards and needed a picture to go with it. We couldn’t use a picture from online because of copyright issues, so we decided to ask him. We went up to his door and straight up asked him. Instead of saying “no” because he was actually in the middle of a work out, he invited us in, showed us around a little, and brought us into his office to find a good picture. He searched probably for ten minutes after he had already found several because he wanted “to give us a good one.” I’ll never forget that. Not only did he help us, he took his time with us to make sure he helped us as much as he possibly could. Can you really fault me for loving the guy?

5. Can you really blame him for the fact that all referees want to suck his dick?

6. This isn’t emphasized enough. Manny played LF in Fenway Park for most of his career, where he had one of the smallest areas to cover in all of baseball (the left field wall at Fenway is only 310 feet). Despite this, you saw him make more boneheaded plays than anyone

7. I’m not gonna cover Bonds much but I will share my opinion. Bonds got a VERY raw deal because he was the best. Yea, he took steroids, but so did most guys. He won two MVP’s in Pittsburgh, way before he was on steroids, and should be in the Hall of Fame first ballot regardless of steroids.

The Best of the 2000's Part 1: Best Stories

As the end of decade approaches, it is time for us to look back at the last ten years. You have most likely spent hours watching what are the most remarkable moments and best players of the decade over the last week, so I won’t bore you with that. Instead, I will remind you of the funniest or absurd stories and players of the decade. I will cover the best stories, my favorite people, the most annoying people, and my favorite teams. Enjoy1.


Whizzinator (2005)- I start with this because some people don’t remember it and that is a shame. This is the funniest story of any decade, not just this one. In 2005, Minnesota Viking runningback Onterrio Smith’s carry-on bag spilled all over the floor of an airport and out fell what appeared to be a fake penis. Now, before you make a dildo joke here, stay focused because it gets better. As it turned out, this prosthetic penis, coined the whizzinator, was used to pass drug tests by storing a sample of clean urine inside it in the event that your drug test had to be done in front of a witness. You simply pulled out your fake dick and took a piss with it. Not funny enough for you? Would it be funnier if I told you that there was a website that sold them in different colors and sizes so there was one that fit everyone2? Yea, I thought so.

Tiger Woods’ affair (2009)- hopefully you still remember this, seeing that it happened like three weeks ago. You know why this story is so great? I am a die-hard Tiger fan and this will never get old. Nearly everyone alive has made a joke or skit about this and they are all hilarious. The SNL skit was comedic genius and the CollegeHumor one was just as legendary. Tiger, I love you and all that, but watching your epic fail of a private life made my year.

XFL (2000-01)- In 1999, WWF president Vince McMahon had an amazing idea…he should create a competing football league that was just like the NFL, except give it a bunch of stupid new rules3, and have half of the game focus on the cheerleaders. Smart right? My favorite part was the name. Most people assumed “XFL” stood for the “eXtreme Football League” but that is where it gets fun. You see, there was already an “eXtreme Football League” so McMahon couldn’t use it. Instead, he made it so XFL just didn’t stand for anything. After two horrible years, the league folded and people finally realized that starting another football league was retarded4.

Miguel Tejada (2008)- After agreeing to talk with an ESPN reporter on the network’s new show “E:60” under the thought that it was regarding steroids, Tejada was blindsided worst than a deer after jumping on to the beltway. Instead of steroids, Tejada was interrogated about his age. Tejada started out confused and stated he was born in 1976 as he always has. Unfortunately, the reporter was a little bit more informed. He (or she, I don’t recall) had his REAL birth certificate which show that not only was he two years older, but also showed his last name was spelled T-E-J-E-D-A. The look on his face was priceless and made for awkward pause. His response? Storming off the set. He pulled the “Screw you guys, I’m going home” comeback that Cartman5 pulls so much.

Michael Jordan as a General Manager (2001-present)- What he did as a player is almost totally negated by what he has done as a GM. Harsh you say? Ask anyone in Washington D.C. and they will agree. In the nations capital, he used the 2001 first overall pick on the biggest bust of all time (Kwame Brown), and followed that up with first round picks of Jared Jeffries in 2002 and Jarvis Hayes in 2003. To small a sample you say? After being exiled from D.C. Charlotte decided they wanted to suck and gave him the reigns of the team. What did he do? Draft Adam Morrison number four overall in 2006, traded the ’07 pick for a washed up Jason Richardson, and an undersized DJ Augustin in ’08. I could go more in depth here, like talk about him trading for the cancer known as Stephen Jackson, but I won’t waste your time. I just did? Damnit…sorry.

Post Game Conferences- We have entered the YouTube era, where if you say something dumb in a conference, you are a legend by the next morning. The best by far are Jim Mora Sr.’s, known just as “PLAYOFFS?!” Allen Iverson’s on practice, and Denny Green’s on how the Bears “are who with thought they were.” If you haven’t seen these, you are voiding yourself of a good laugh. I would love to make fun of these, but nothing I say can do them justice. They are comedic masterpieces on their own.

The Congressional Steroid Hearing (2005)- This decade will always be known for the rampant use of steroids by athletes in all sports. While this is a serious concern for almost all, the congressional hearing was filled with unintentional hilarity. Let’s go over the top three funniest factors:

1. Mark McGwire- I’m not sure what McGwire thought the purpose of the hearing was, but he didn’t seem to realize that it was about him. He was asked about his steroid use about a thousand times, and every time, he said “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to discuss the future.” That might have worked out, if there was ANYONE there that wasn’t attending strictly because they wanted to know if he took ‘roids

2. Sammy Sosa- Slammin’ Sammy had been in the MLB for 15 years by the time of the hearing, and despite this fact, he seemed to need a translator at the hearing. I had seen the man speak perfect English in interviews a thousand times, but I guess that is irrelevant6.

3. Rafael Palmeiro- After the hearing, Raffy was definitely the good guy. He was the only one who spoke freely, and said convincingly that he did not take steroids. People constantly spoke of how honorable he was and praised his outspokenness for about four and a half months…when our hero tested positive for steroids. His response was so classy. Blamed teammate Miguel Tejada for giving him a B-12 injection that caused the positive test7.

Next: Favorite and Most Annoying People of the 2000’s

1. This seriously took me for freaking ever to write. If you don’t enjoy this, go fuck yourself…seriously

2. Do you think a black guy would be able to pull out a three inch white penis and be believed? Me neither.

3. Things like no fair catches on punts, or starting the game by replacing the coin toss at the beginning of each game with an event in which one player from each team sought to recover a football 20 yards away in order to determine possession. (think start of a dodgeball game)

4. Wait…that’s not true. A bunch of morons started the UFL this year despite a history of failed leagues and being in one of the worst economic times ever. At least the XFL had a contract with NBC! The UFL was broadcasted (and not seen) on Versus

5. If you can’t recognize a South Park reference, I can’t help you. Stop reading.

6. It wasn’t going to matter. Even if Sosa somehow did manage to forget the entire English language in one night, it’s not like you need to know much English to plead the 5th after every question

7. Best part, B-12 isn’t on the list of banned substances and couldn’t possibly have triggered the positive test. Honestly, if you are going to lie AND throw a teammate under the bus, make sure it’s a plausible story

Damnit...another successful year for the '72 Dolphins

Well, week 16 is officially in the books, and unfortunately it was the week we saw our last undefeated team fall. Ladies and gentlemen, be prepared to get a good dose of the pricks from the ’72 Dolphins, who remain the only undefeated team in NFL history.

For the last couple of years, teams have gotten very close to the perfection that Miami achieved, and that has led to Mercury Morris spending significant time on ESPN. He is nothing but an ignorant ass, who uses the fact that he was lucky enough to be on a good team to promote himself and somehow remain relevant.

You know what, has he ever pointed out that free agency or a salary cap didn’t exist? How about revenues sharing? Nope. The fact that the ’07 Patriots or this year’s Colts got this far is way more impressive that a ’72 Dolphins who only had to play 14 games in the regular season and played in a significantly less athletic era.

Other than that, this column really has no point. I just wanted to make sure that you know that I think Mercury Morris should go f%@k off. I'm in the process of making a list of my favorite stories, players, and teams of the decade, so look out for that in the upcoming days.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Urban Meyer Retires Part 2: "Just Kidding"

After making what seemed at the time to be a quick and brash decision to retire, Urban Meyer has decided that he was just kidding, and is taking a temporary leave of absence instead. REALLY!?

Why the hell would you go to the effort of making a public announcement if you weren't sure about it? How made up could his mind possibly have been that he changed it 20 hours later? Hell, it took a few months for Brett Favre to realize he wanted to comeback, and he will go down as the worst flip-flopper in sports history.

Every retired coach or player interviewed has always said to not make a retirement decision after the season ends because you are so drained that any choice will be skewed. However, you see players and coaches decide that retirement is the best option...and then it isn't, all of the time.

Let's use this as an opportunity to mock other people that can't make up their minds about critical sports decisions:

Billy Donovan- after winning back-to-back NCAA titles with the Florida Gators, Donovan accepted the coaching job for the Orlando Magic and changed his mind in just 2 days. He lost out on coaching the Superman, Dwight Howard, and a team that made it to the NBA finals last season despite having Stan Van Gundy as its coach1

Brett Favre-we all remember it. Favre sobbing at the table as he retired; telling us he had nothing more to give. I remember thinking it was actually kind of cute. A comeback, another retirement, and another comeback later, makes him nothing more than comical.

Michael Jordan- most people have no idea about rumors that MJ first retirement was partially due to a possible suspension by the NBA because of his gambling problem (this is actually true). That being said, anyone who comes back more than once gets to be on this list as a moron. His stint with the Wizards was terribleNot only that, the guy goes down as the second worst GM in sports history behind Matt Millen.

Brett Favre- He needs to be on the list more than once.

Allen Iverson- Retired in the middle of this season basically because no one loves him :’(. Despite this, Iverson signs with his old team in Philadelphia like two weeks later and loses serious man points as he sobs at the press conference because he is so happy.

Roger Clemens- After 19 seasons, Clemens decided to hang up his cleats in 2003. He then discovered the wonderful affects of steroids2 and came back to play for the Houston Astros from 2004-06. He retired again, only to agree to play for the Yankees for one more season…so long as he didn’t have to play in April or May. What an ass.

Ricky Williams- By July of 2005, William had smoked so much pot that he forgot that he played professional football. He retired, and moved to India to study holistic medicine. It took just one year to realize that he had no money and was forced to return to football. The small problem with this is that he had so much THC in his system from years of blazing, that he failed his fourth drug test and was suspended for the year. After spending a season in the Canadian Football League3, he returned to the NFL and is still decent.

Brett Favre- (reserved for when he retires again, then comes back because he thinks he can win another Superbowl riding on the coat tails of Adrian Peterson)

George Steinbrenner- In the funniest flip-flopping series in all of sports, the legendary Yankees owner hired and fired manager Billy Martin five times in just 13 years. Think about this, Steinbrenner fired Martin, and then decided that he was the best man for the job FOUR MORE TIMES! Martin coached the Yankees from 1975-78, and then single seasons in ’79, ’83, ’85, and ’88. If only I was alive for that…I would have had a field day mocking them. Come to think of it, I still am 20+ years later.

1. Stan Van Gundy is just a terrible coach. When things don't go his way, he pouts and complains without actually trying to change anything. His inadequacy as a coach is only surpassed by his brother's as an NBA game commentator. The tragedy of it all, is that this makes him the most successful one in his family.

2. Am I allowed to say that? I'm not? Shit!...err...I meant to say that he experienced a wonderful revival that can TOTALLY be explained by something other than performance enhancing drugs.

3. Watching Canadians play football is fun. It's like watching Americas play soccer or hockey. Have you ever seen them? the field goal post is in the middle of the field! Tell me your not wishing a receiver accidentally runs full speed into the post every time. You're not? You think I'm a terrible person? Ok...I'll stop talking.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Urban Meyer Retires For Mysterious Reasons

ESPN has spent all week rehashing the most surreal and shocking moments of the decade, but they might have started too soon. In possibly the most abrupt announcement possible, Florida football coach Urban Meyer has said that the Sugar Bowl on Jan. 1 will be his last game, citing "health reasons" as his explanation.

As far as "news of the decade" is concerned Meyer's retiring is top five. Over the last six years, Meyer has basically been the king of college football, winning two national championships with Florida and also leading Utah to a win in the Fiesta Bowl and their first ever perfect season. He had the ability to recruit anyone he wanted and was purely the best of the best. He is 95-18 overall and is 5-1 in bowl games.

I'm still absolutely shocked by this because I was honestly expecting him to rule over the NCAA like Bobby Bowden did in the 90's. I was giving 20 more years and maybe three or four more titles.

I know most people are expecting me to make a joke here1, but jokes aside, here is the truth; the reason Meyer has been so successful is the bond he has with his players (and not just Tebow). If this is a serious health matter, I wish him the best, but if it isn't a pressing matter, which he says it isn't, I think this is abrupt and puts Florida in a bind.

For the most part, coaching positions have already been filled, and there aren't many big names left. I'm not the guy to make suggestions (if you want that, is the place to go. Josh is a college football guru), but I know the options are limited.

If Meyer is able to get back to health, I have a very hard time thinking he won't be back as a coach. Lou Holtz2 has often talked about once you are a coach, it is in your blood and might as well be an addiction. You have seen coaches come back from retirement all the time with big names like Joe Gibbs, Bill Parcells, Steve Spurrier, and many others. In fact, it is more common to se them come back than it is for them to legit retire.

However, what I think doesn't matter. I don't know THAT much about Florida past the fact that I'm aware they are ridiculously good, and no one from their organization gives a rat's ass about me. I will say though, I am very excited to see what the situation looks like in a few days because it will be entirely different. Remember how much the Tiger Woods story changed over the first week? It went from a serious car accident, to a minor accident, to his wife beating him because he was cheating, to that being a lie, back to the fact his wife beating him because he cheated, to he is a man-slut...that was a fun week.

1 About the joke, I won't disappoint you:Why are people surprised here? Tim Tebow is graduating, so they can finally make their very beautiful relationship public and get married. Tebow is going to the NFL and I'm sure Meyer will make a tremendous housewife.

2. Normally, don't listen to Lou Holtz ever...EVER! The guy is almost impossible to understand to begin with and he is also a certified moron. After saying on an actual broadcast that he thought Notre Dame would make it to the championship this year! How does the senile bastard still have a job? I'd rather have a racist as an analyst than a freakin' imbecile.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

MLB Offseason

While baseball's offseason doesn't get as much publicity as others because, well, it's baseball, several teams have been very active and I will help everyone get up to speed.

Seattle Mariners- I start with Seattle because they have bee the winners by far. Two years ago, this team lost more than 100 games and now might be my favorite to win the AL West. Not only do they add stars like Chone Figgins, Jack Wilson, and Milton Bradley, but they traded for Cliff Lee, giving them the best one-two punch with Lee and Felix Hernandez as starters. With great players like Ichiro, Russell Branyan, and a very under-rated Franklin Gutierrez, I like these guys a lot.

Boston Red Sox- Is it a surprise the are making moves. When the Sox or the Yanks do'nt win it all, they are always busy. Boston didn't resign Jason Bay, which hurts, but Mike Cameron isn't that much of a downgrade. Not only that, they signed the best pitcher on the market in John Lackey. The Sox now have three pitchers who have clinched the World Series title (Lackey, Josh Beckett, and John Lester), the first team to have that since the 30's.

I also really like the signing of Marco Scutaro even though no one is talking about it. He played well in a brutal AL East last year and is only 24.

New York- The Yankees got way better over the last couple of weeks up until this morning. Getting Curtis Granderson for what they gave up is just wrong. The guy is a beast and having him is scary for other teams in the field AND at the plate. However, I hate the trade for Vasquez because I think Melky Cabrera is going to be a superstar. I don't know if his contract expiring next year was an issue, but I give that kid whatever he wants if I am the Yankees GM

Philadelphia Phillies- The trade for Roy Halladay seems weird to the naked eye because Lee is at least as good as Halladay if not better, but this was a trade for the long term. Halladay had said that he would be willing to take a pay cut to play for a contender, while Lee wanted market value. By trading for Halladay, they sowed up an ace for four years instead of having one for a year and then lose him.

Baltimore Orioles- My guys won't make any list because nothing here is flashy, but I like some of McPhail's moves. Trading for Kevin Millwood was fantastic because it gives us a vet to lead a young pitching staff. I'll miss Chris Ray and I'm sure he'll get back to greatness, but it was time to turn the page with him. The O's also added one of the best relievers in LHP Mike Gonzalez to be closer for their bullpen and Garrett Atkins to be the third/first baseman until prospects Josh Bell and Brandon Snyder are ready. Next year will probably still be a dud, but I still love the revival I see going on in B-more.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Go For the Perfect Season or Not?

The fact that both the Colts and the Saints are 13-0 has got people asking the same question, "Should the teams sit their players or try for the perfect season?" Since I am smarter (or just think I am) than any other person in sports, here's what needs to happen, and it is different for both teams.

For the Colts, the decision need to be made now because they have already clinched home field advantage throughout the playoffs and therefore have nothing more to gain. That being said, you want to be careful that you don't go into the playoffs either beat up or too rusty. You have to find a balance. Here is what they need to do. This next week, sit your starters and vets. Peyton will want to start because he has a streak of consecutive games played, so let him play a series or two and then let him rest. Limit their reps in practice and let them take a few days off to get away from football. After that, things go business as usual. This is perfect because you give them a little rest, but at the same time, they have two weeks to get back in sync if they got sloppy. In addition, if they still are a little hurting, they have the bye week in the first week of the playoffs. If this results in a perfect season, so be it, but he primary goal is the Superbowl.

The Saints situation is very different for three reasons. First, the decision won't even come for another week because Minnesota is on pace to go 14-2 and therefore, the Saints haven't clinched the number one seed yet. Second, Drew Brees has publicly stated that he wants the record. Brees is very emotional and passionate and if he wants something, he isn't going to let anyone sit him down to prevent it. Lastly, and by far the most important, the players on this team are SIGNIFICANTLY inexperienced when it comes to the playoffs. Unlike the Colts-who are perennial Superbowl contenders and know what it is like to not only go deep in the season, but know how they will perform coming off of a bye- the Saints don't have any knowledge of that with the exception of the trip to the NFC Championship game a few years back that a couple members of the team were on. Here is what you go for it. Your defense still has many kinks to work out (I don't care what people say, this is a mediocre defense. The one thing that makes them effective to some extent is that they are exceptional at forcing turnovers. In regards to yardage given up or defending against big plays, the Saints are not good) and your offense needs to stay in rhythm. If the offense was run based, it is one thing, but the Saints offense has become a remarkable threat because Brees has an almost unfathomable report with his receivers. If they take time off and that communication diminishes even a little, that offense might struggle against good defenses.

In my scenario, I think the Saints would finish the season perfect and the Colts at 15-1 . Because people don't understand how awesome I am and won't listen to me, here is what will actually happen...

The Colts will limit the snaps of their more experienced players in all three remaining games and hope it won't create rust. They will finish 16-0 and head into the playoffs hoping that they did not screw themselves.

The Saints will go strive for perfection for the most part, but I imagine they wil rest a few key people like key veterans on defense, like Will Smith and Darren Sharper, and possibly even injury prone players on offense like Marques Colston. That last one will be the teams downfall if it happens. If Colston sits, I predict that the chemistry between him and Brees and they lose in the first playoff game they play in.

For these teams' sake I hope that my predictions aren't true. Not only for their sake, but mine too because I REALLY want a team to go 19-0. not only do I love records like this (just like I was a fan of a team going 0-16 and I wanted the Nets to go 0-19), but Mercury Morris is a pretentious prick and I seriously wish he would stop proclaiming how the '72 Dolphins will forever be the only perfect team. So far though, he's been right. Maybe this year will change that.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Brian Kelly exposes another problem

BREAKING NEWS: BRIAN KELLY IS GOING TO COACH NOTRE DAME...oh wait, I knew that was going to happen 4 months ago. People shouldn't be shocked that he "abandoned" them, he had only been there three years! However, the signing does present one of the biggest flaws in the college football system, Kelly now is forced to abandon the team he coached all year, just weeks before the biggest game in the program's history.

The reason this happens is that recruiting is truly a 365 day a year job and with Weis (I'm not sure if that is the correct spelling, but I'm not going to check it because he is irrelevant now) being fired, Kelly has to start immediately to try and secure the recruits Weis got to commit. Otherwise, Notre Dame is at risk of losing an entire year of recruiting. The school isn't to blame for that, nor is the is the way that college football is set up

If you listened to any player on Cincinnati last night, just about every negative emotion was on display from angry, to sadness, to even straight up borderline homicidal. Can you blame them? Their leader just left them for greener pastures three weeks before they play Tim Tebow! What would Kelly have said if his quarterback would have said, "Hey Coach, I'm going to take off and play for Ohio State" the day before the game against Pittsburgh. He would have bludgeoned him to death with large objects.

I know he lied and said he wasn't going to leave, but welcome to the world guys. Have you ever seen a coach NOT lie about coaching rumors? No. they always say they are staying up until they are already signed. Nick Saban with LSU, Rick Rodriguez with West Virginia, and Urban Meyer in Utah...welcome to the club Brian Kelly.

What I see in this that no one is mention is that don't you think that he wants to coach in the Sugar Bowl? It's not like he didn't work hard the entire year just to be Notre Dame's coach; he wanted to win every game as much as his players.

This is a sad day for smaller programs because this is just one instance of a policy keeping them down. Unless it is their alma mater, coaches don't start at mid-level programs to build national champions, they do it so they can catch the attention of the schools that do.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Get Off Tim Tebow's Back

After publicly laughing at Adam Morrison for the past few years because he had a temper tantrum on the court after he lost, I never thought I'd be defending an athlete who cried. However, Tebow is in a different category and if anything, I respect him more for it.

For starters, Morrison and Tebow aren't in the same league as far as strengh of heart. Morrison was rolling on the floor and slamming his hands on the court to the point that we were actually scared for a moment. Tebow tried to hold back his emotions as best he could, but when you are that emotional, it was bound to come out. He tried to keep his composure as best he could and he answered every question asked to him by reporters. Did Morrison? No.

Here is why I actually was fine with this, when anyone who knows me expected me to bash him. I love that kind passion in a quarterback. That is the same emotion that led him to give his now-famous speech after losing to Ole Miss last year. Everyone in the Florida locker room knows that he would die for them and he is the reason Florida was undefeated up until last week despite having an inferior team compared to last year.

Not only am I not criticizing him for this, I wish more people felt that way. He had run off another perfect season, just to lose right before getting a shot at a third title; if a quarterback wasn't at least a little emotional, we would be giving him grief for not caring. If he became notorious for this it would be one thing, but this was just a scenario where he saw what he worked hard for slip away. In addition to that, Tim Tebow isn't exactly used to losing. He was a god in high school, has two national championships, and before last week, the Gators hadn't lost since the one to Ole Miss.

Tim Tebow will go down as one of the top 10 college players to every take a snap and its not just because of his's because he has the best leadership skills I have ever seen. Whether I think he will be a good NFL quarterback is a different story (I don't for a myriad of reasons which you can ask if you want), but you can be certain that whatever position he plays, he will be the leader of that team every time he steps foot on the gridiron.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Nothin' but Nets...nevermind, they suck

Last week, the New Jersey Nets were given the ability to build a new Stadium in New York despite the fact that people and businesses already occupy that area. How did they get this approved? A judged ruled that the area was “blighted” that the Nets could take it over. To quote a Sports Center anchor, “they think the area is blighted…have they seen the Nets play this year?” Last night, the Nets did the seemingly impossible: they have found away to pass the Los Angeles Clippers’ record of being just god-awful. By losing to the Mavs last night, the Nets have started the season 0-18.

As far as worst records go, this is worst than the Detroit Lions winless season last year. If you think that’s too far because the Nets will presumably win a game eventually, there are factors you aren’t thinking of. In football, you have 22 starters that a have an impact and because of that, having one great player can’t win a game for you. The exact opposite is the case in basketball. Having one great player on a crappy team wont get you in the playoffs, but he can will the team close to a .500 record (Dwayne Wade last year). To get just a single win, u don’t even need that, just an ok player with a great game.

The Nets actually have a great player in all-star guard Devin Harris which is why this is very curious to me. In addition, they have young guys Brooks Lopez and Chris Douglas-Roberts. To lose this many in a row is inconceivable. I would normally try to figure it out, but I like watching them fail way too much to do anything.

This is normally where people are like, “Nick, you are so mean to wish that on a team. What if they were your team?” My answer is this, if you are going to be terrible, why not be the worst EVER? Devin Harris will be able to tell his grandkids one day that he was the best at losing games, not a single team could lose games so consistently.

When a team gets close to a record, I am rooting for them all the way, good or bad. Losing this consistently is truly an art for. For you to blow a game every time you step on the court without getting lucky once…that’s as impressive as Peyton Manning’s ability to orchestrate game winning drives in the final minutes of games.

Keep in mind, this isn’t a team that has a tradition of being an embarrassment. The teams that area in this category are as follows: (MLB) Kansas City Royals, Baltimore Orioles, Cincinnati Reds, (NBA) Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, (NFL) Oakland Raiders, Detroit Lions, and Cincinnati Bengals. The Nets don’t come close to the list, yet, they are putting up a great campaign this year.

Do I hope they go 0-81? Not really (it would be hilarious though). In fact, I hope they win soon because, if they set a record that is unbeatable, the next time the Clippers go on another impressive losing streak, it will be in vein. That’s why the Nets setting the record was great. Setting the record is legendary; if they had got 0-16 and not even tied the record, then it would have just been sad.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The powder keg of a man known as Allen Iverson

There are very few people in the world of sports that have sparked more debate than Allen Iverson. Throughout his career, Iverson has been idolized, hated, criticized, loved, and has evoked pretty much every emotion that a human can express. Even with all of the crap that he has been involved with, from his rant on not going to practice (which is definitely up there with Jim Mora Sr. as best rant ever) to his off the court issues, A.I. is one of the greatest players in NBA history and the way he has been treated this year has been uncalled for.

Iverson is the best player in NBA history under six feet and is one of the greatest scorers to ever play. He might be a little selfish, but at the end of the day, you will never see someone competitive as him. Night in and night out he sacrificed his body every time he drove the lane and played through more injuries than he has body parts.

If you look at players that he is in the same class as (hall of famers), all of them got to end their careers on their own terms. Not A.I. He has seemingly been cast away from the league he gave so much for. He is getting the rawest of deals. There is no reason that only Memphis was interested in this guy in the offseason; to play off the bench no less.

If this rumor that Philadelphia wants him is true, then I am going to be very happy. Ending his career in the place where he has been defended by every fan after he got in trouble would be a great way for him to go out. Seeing Iverson back in a 76er uniform would be a treat for me, and seeing him in Eddie Jordan's offense could actually be a good fit.

The bottom line is that Iverson gives more effort on the court than every other player with Dwayne Wade maybe tied with him. What he does in practice shouldn't matter when you sacrifice your body every night. He deserves to retire on his own terms...NBA fans owe him that.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Coaches Under Fire

As always, this is the time of year where coaches in college football start thinking about getting the theoretical pink slip as they leave their teams in shame. Here is my opinion on coaches that currently sit on the hot seat:

Al Groh (Virginia)- I start with this clown because the fact that he wasn’t fired last year was hilarious strictly because I enjoy watching UVA fail so epically. This guy has done everything to be fired. You literally couldn’t try to be fired and do this much. We are at the level of Matt Millen and the Detroit Lions or Mary Antoinette in France. A firing might not be enough, we have approached a scenario where a beheading might be necessary.

Bobby Bowden (Florida State)- A lot of people have gotten on Bowden’s case because of this season’s failure, but you have to remember, the school’s legacy, is HIS legacy. All of Florida State’s success is directly because of him. Now, I’m not usually a guy who says keep someone because of what they have done in the past (I have been for the firing of Maryland basketball coach Gary Williams for three years now), but this is different because there was no Florida State legacy before him. Because of that, you have to ask whether the mystique of playing for FSU will even exist without Bobby Bowden, especially now that the program has slipped a little.

Charlie Weis (Notre Dame)- Before I talk about why Weis should be fired, I have to say something about Notre Dame football. Notre Dame hasn’t won a national championship in 21 years and has rarely been in the mix over that time period. They can’t recruite with the likes of Florida, USC, or Texas and over the last decade, they have been a 7-8 win team that on a good year, can maybe get into a BCS bowl. Given all of that, why do people expect Notre Dame to contend for a National Title every year? Now…

In his five years as head coach, Weis has done the ultimate bate and switch. In his first two years, he performed tremendously with former coach Ty Willingham’s players and had great recruiting classes, making it seem like he was going to bring Notre Dame back into the limelight. However, the last three years have made him look worst and worst. It is my opinion that you judge a college coach based on the years 3-5, because that is when a coach has his players in his system. By that sample, Weis is 15-17 with one crappy bowl appearance (they are bowl eligible this year too). Sounds like a failure to me.

Rich Rodriguez (Michigan)- Going by my philosophy on judging coaches by years 3-5, he shouldn’t even be here, but since people are stupid, I am forced to put him here. Rich Rodriguez is a great coach and should be recognized as so. While I think he is a traitorous bastard for leaving the program he built at his alma mater, you have to remember what he created there. He and his spread offense turned West Virginia into a nationally relevant program that went to BCS bowls almost every year. If Michigan didn’t expect a transition period, then they were dumb because if you don’t have the right players (lightning quick at every position), the spread offense doesn’t work. Last year, the team was ridiculously slow, and this year, it was a bunch of freshmen. I don’t care if they didn’t win a single game in the last two years, the judging period starts next year.

Also on this list is Virginia Tech’s offensive coordinator Bryan Stinespring who I believe needs to resign because of the inept offense VT has had over his six seasons. I don’t include him here because he is a fantastic recruiter and I think there is a very important place for him in the Hokies organization still.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

What the Hell Wizards?

Last time I wrote about the Wizards, they were 2-1 and I was praising their start. How did they repay me? Run off six straight losses and make me look reall stupid.

In eery preseason ranking that I saw, the only reason the Wizards were ranked poorly in a few was the fact that people questioned Gilbert's health. No one thought that with a healthy Gil, the Wiz would be capable of being that bad.

During the six game skid, it was almost fascinating to watch every night to see them lose because they found different ways to do it. Whether it was Gil setting a franchise record of 12 turnovers in one game, not being about to make a shot in the last six and a half minutes, or just not putting any effort into playing at all. Not only that, but for some reason, we decided to test out our depth early with Mike Miller, Randy Foye, and Caron Butler missing time. Lets just say this, I have never been so happy to see Antawn Jamison on the floor when he came back last night.

Before last week, I never thought of Jamison as a verbal leader, but him taking up that role might just save the season. After the embarrasing performance we displayed in Indiana last week, Jamison apparently went off on everyone and the team's effort. It was apparently profanity laced and at one point, he flipped a table over he was so mad. I love that kind of fire, and I would have payed big money to be there for that speech.

With Jamison back, I am interested in what the team does and how they perform. The bottom line is that we always play well against Cleveland because we know them so well. I see last night's victory as a good sign, espeially the second half, but we are still 3-7, which is far from decent. Let's see what Flip can do with these guys.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Hokies Woes Start on Bench

After last season’s roller coaster of a season, where inexperience seemed to cause problems late in the year, many thought this year could be what many saw in the beginning of 2008. With Malcom Delaney and Jeff Allen returning this season, there was no doubt that the starting lineup would be a force to be reckoned with.

However, with Victor Davila and Terrell Bell thrust into starting roles, the Hokies bench has struggled to hold its own when coach Seth Greenberg tries to give his starters a few minutes of rest.

Through two games, Coach Greenberg has used an eight or nine man rotation with JT Thompson being the first to come off the bench. While that would appear to show depth, the truth is the exact opposite. This is because after Thompson, the experience level drops immensely with freshmen Ben Boggs and Erick Green being the next two players, who are both trying to adjust to the speed of a college game.

Because of a very shallow and inexperienced bench, the Hokies have had to rely on their starters to do more and more. Tech’s starting five has accounted for 89 percent of its offense this season and Delaney is averaging 36.5 minutes a game.

In last night’s 59-46 victory over the UNC Greensboro Spartans, the bench continued to show that it struggles to hold its own while the starters got a break. In the first half, with Allen and Delaney on the bench, the Hokies went more than four minutes without scoring and the Spartans went on a 7-0 run to take a 22-18 lead before Greenberg had to call a timeout and put the duo back in. Overall, the bench contributed eight points off of 2/13 shooting.

Last season, Greenberg mixed up the lineup several times by using Hank Thorns, Davila, Thompson, and Bell as starters, as well as from the bench. However, the one constant was production. The bench averaged 14.6 points a game and it seemed like every night, there was someone that would step up and add to the trio of Allen, Delaney, and A.D. Vassallo.

With Vassallo and Cheick Diakite graduating last year, people new that Tech would be losing valuable points because Vassallo would no longer be there to snipe from beyond the arc. What many didn’t know was how it would affect the bench.

The loss of those two meant that Bell and Davila were named starters. While they have done a fine job in their new roles, no one has filled in as the bench contributors they were last season.

Many people thought that this would be Thompson’s new role on the team, but he has gotten off to a slow start. In the first two games, he 2/11 and averaging just four points a game.; a significant step back from his 6.5 a game off of 53 percent shooting last season. Even though he still exhibits the same aggressive style as last year, it hasn’t converted to points so far.

In two games, Tech’s bench is scoring only 7.5 points a game, while shooting an abysmal 21 percent from the field. Many of the problems scoring have been in the half-court offense.

One of the reasons the bench has struggled has to be the loss of backup point guard Hank Thorns, who transferred to Texas Christian University over the summer. Thorns stats were never the kind that would jump out at you, but he was the perfect point guard because he made everyone else look better. Without him to run the offense when Delaney is on the bench, the Hokies have struggled to get good scoring opportunities.

While it isn’t a big deal to let Green and Boggs work through their problems in the beginning of the season, their improvement needs to be significantly noticeable when conference play begins.

The Hokies believe that the two will eventually be able to control things while giving Delaney and Hudson a break, but from what they have shown, they are a long way off from that goal.

Both have struggled to score and help manufacture points from the half-court offense meaning that right now, the only points Tech can score with Delaney on the bench are the result of a fast break.

This isn’t a huge issue now, but it will be come January 10 when the Hokies go to Chapel Hill to begin their Atlantic Coast Conference schedule. Teams in the ACC won’t turn the ball over nearly as much and if Tech is having trouble in the half-court now, things will only get worst against the superior defenses in its conference.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Almost Forgot How Much I Hate Jeff Van Gundy

Before I start this rant on how Jeff Van Gundy should never be aloud to speak again, I will start by providing a list of analysts and commentators that anger me and I gawk every instance they get face time (in order): Skip Bayless, Jay Mariotti, Dick Vitale, Lou Holtz, Van Gundy, Susie Colbert, Avery Johnson, Jesse Palmer, and Charles Barkley. I'm sure there is more, but that's all i can think of at this moment. At one point or another, I'll cite reasons for my hatred of their existance, but Van Gundy gets to be target number one.

For starters, I came to realize the utter stupidity that Van Gundy vomits out on a regular basis in last year's playoffs. It was the most exciting playoffs in a while and he came dangerously close to ruining it for me. Just as I was close to forgetting this, I got to actually watch my sports IQ decline.

In the Cavs, Magic game last night, Jeff Van Gundy actually said that there shouldn't be a six foul limit per person in the NBA because star players get into foul trouble and then fans don't get to see them play. If the guy new anything about basketball, he would have known any one of these facts that shows he's a retard.

1) for the most part, the refs protect the star players. LeBron and Kobe foul out maybe once a season and when they do, it's a headline on

2) The six foul limit was put into place in 1954. In the 1953 playoffs, there was an average of 80 free throws a game and the games lasted longer than 3 hours! If he thinks that is fun for fans to watch, then I can no longer appeal to logic.

3) Lawrence Funderburke. How do I know the name of the Sacramento Kings third-string center from 2000-02 you ask? Because the Kings employed the hack-a-Shaq technique where they fouled Shaq every time he touched the ball. Funderburke became relevant right around the third quarter of every game because Chris Webber and Vlade Divac had already fouled out. If the six foul rule doesn't exist, Shaq gets fouled 30-40 times in the game easily with no consequence to the Kings because he can shoot free throws for shit.

If you aren't convinced the man is unqualified to be an analyst, I can't help you. If you say that one instance isn't enough to shame a person, please just watch him for five minutes and you will understand, trust me.

The only positive that came from last night was the always hilarious contest between Jeff and his brother Stan (coach of the Magic) to see who can seem less qualified to do his job. On one hand, Stan looks perpetually confused on the sideline as if he were watching curling. However, I am forced to listen to Jeff for the entire time, so he normally gets the nod. He goes on the amazingly long list of coaches who can't be even a mediocre analyst of their sport that they supposedly knew like the back of their hands

Note: If any of the commentators I listed are reading this, I am just kidding and would love to intern for you. Except for Skip Bayless. Just because you yell at me doesn't mean you're right, it makes you a douche. Stephen A. Smith did the same thing, but even he was occasionally right.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Let' Play a Little Game of "Who is Dumber"

Today I'm going to start a little segment called "who is dumber," where I will show exactly how people in sports are way dumber than you thought (hopefully you thought it was a lot to begin with). In our first segment, I will address the Stephen Jackson, Roy Williams, Lionel Hollins (the Memphis Grizzlies head coach), and the SEC officials.

Stephen Jackson- Congratulations, after years of being publicly retarded, you have decided to have your agent speak for you because no one cares about you anymore. You are a decent player who forgets that in order to play basketball, you need at least four people on the floor that can stand your obnoxiousness. Yea it's true that Don Nelson hasn't won a championship, but look at the teams he's managed. Milwaukee, Golden State (twice), and a team owned by Mark Cuban. That's like complaining that William & Mary hasn't won a BCS title in football even though the Tribe isn't even in the FBS. Let me help you understand why everyone hates you. You are such a douche that you decided you didn't want to be captain of the team earlier this year even though you are the best player that the Warriors have. You are about as valuable to a team as having sex with a decently attractive girl who has super AIDS; appealing at first, but untouchable if one values his or her life.

Roy Williams- After talking shit about how you "aren't like T.O" you proved it by not scoring a touchdown despite being the only receiver the Eagles didn't double cover. Even T.O. was still scoring touchdowns while bitching. You aren't like Miles Austin either, because he's good. Further, it's not how many catches or targets you have that shows who a team's best receiver is, it's who the defense double covers. Phili showed yesterday that they don't give a rat's ass about you and doubled Mitten and Austin.

Lionel Hollins- Dude, Allen Iverson literally spend all of last season bitching about how he is too old to come off the bench cold and would never do it again. Yet, you ignored this fact and decided it would be ok to use him off the bench? Why does this shock you that Iverson is all of a sudden complaining about his role? Your team is terrible and A.I. is there solely to get people come to watch the team. Start him and maybe your home games won't look like practices with no fans there.

SEC officials- If I had started this weeks ago, this group of misfits would be on this every week. Yet again they blew a call despite reviewing it and having clear evidence that you were wrong. Some would say it was because they favor Alabama and Florida, but I just think they are imbeciles. Bring in those scab NBA refs from the preseason and have them officiate SEC football. They may get confused and call traveling on the quarterback because he didn't dribble while running out of the pocket, but at least they will have an explanation why they are so bad.

Winner: Stephen Jackson- So many people have committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, why don't you try it? Seriously, I heard its fun.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Most Inexcusable Act I Have Ever Seen in Sports

Before I say what I'm going to say, I will just begin by telling you that every person that listens to the Tony Kornheiser radio show is dumb, because on PTI yesterday, Kornheiser said that all of the guys on his show wanted to date Lambert, and that appalls me...

First, here's the ESPN link you nneed to watch:

If you watch the link, I hope you are are shocked as I am because this is by far the worst thing I have ever seen take place at a sporting event, way worst than the Ron Artest incident. Elizabeth Lambert is a straight up thug. It isn't just one incident, it is a series of six or seven and that shows a continuous stream of violence that has nothing to do with being caught up in the moment.

The hair pull is obviously the worst because the poor girl is probably suffering from whiplash as we speak, but every single thing she did was just horrible.

In her apology, she said, "I let my emotions get the best of me in a heated situation," which is total B.S. It wasn't one situation and you are a shame to collegiate athletes.

Michael Wilbon said it best when he said that she should have gotten her ass beat down by BYU players, and THEN be expelled from college sports.

i wouldn't want to date this woman, I would never want to speak to her. If I was friends with her I wouldn't ever want to see her again. Elizabeth Lambert is by far a bigger villain than anything we have ever seen in sports. I hope she never gets to touch a soccer ball again.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I'm Bored, So Let's Make Fun of Tom Cable

If I told you that the head coach of the Raiders was a violent and abusive human being, would you be surprised? No. I mean, I'd be pissed too if I had to coach a team where my owner was still convinced JaMarcus Russell is good. This is why I thought it was fitting that he decked the shit out of one of his assistant coaches. However, reports are coming out that he abuses his spouses and this is where I must make fun of every single person involved here.

First, let me make fun of the assistant coach who personally knows Tom Cables fist. Listen, he is a scary man and there is no reason to argue with him; I don't care if he says that they look good this year, you need to shut the hell up and smile. No one knows exactly how the altercation came to be, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess it was over a donut because it makes for a funnier story. Thank God JaMarcus didn't know there was a donut left because if he had, his fat ass would be beating people up for it too. Come to think of it, a fight between Tom Cable and JaMarcus Russell for a donut would be great TV.

Now comes the part wher I'm going to mock abused women, which even I think is in bad taste. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE THIS MAN? He looks like an angry version of John Goodman. You would think all of the stress involved with being a head coach would help this guy shed at least a little weight, but not this guy. Who knows, maybe Al Davis hired him because he thinks there is a correlation between winning and having a big fatass like John Madden.


Finally, we have arrived at the main target of my roast- Tommy Cable. The man who voluntarily works for Al Davis. He's so retarded that he was confident enough in JaMarcus Russell to cut Jeff Garcia in training camp. He seems to think the "I didn't do it" defense is going to be a success here even though people are more likely to believe that the new Twilight movie isn't going to be totally gay. The bottom line is that there are about 100 people within your organization that deserve to be just annihilated, so there isn't any reason to go home and beat one of the few people willing to stand you and the odor I assume you carry with you. If you feel like hitting someone, just call Darrius Heyward-Bey or Darren McFadden into your office so you can at least get some benefit out of the bagillion dollars you are giving them this year.

Please God don't let Cable read this...I don't want to be eaten

Monday, November 2, 2009

Week 1 Analysis

We are just one week into the season, so it's naturally time to analyze what I've seen so far as if we are about to enter the playoffs:

Through three games, we have seen a little bit of everything from the Wizards. We have seen them look dominant against a good team (Dallas) and a bad team (New Jersey), and lay an egg against a decent team (Atlanta). Overall though, I am very impressed.

The first thing that I want to focus on is the depth that everyone is talking about. I was a fan of all the depth we have, but very curious about how Flip Saunders would work his rotation to give everyone playing time. After three games, the rotation is starting to reveal itself and I really like how it looks, especially the part where DeShawn Stevenson is only playing 19 minutes a game.

Most of you know that I don't like Stevenson at all, and if you don't, you do now. I think that he is a backup shooting guard-who has a mediocre shot-that creates massive distractions in the locker room. Not only is Flip giving him less time, he is replacing him with Randy Foye, who can flat out shoot.

The one guy that gets totally screwed in the rotation is Nick Young who is only getting 12 minutes a game. A lot of people will say that this kid is a great scorer an should be in more, but I disagree. Yea, he occasionally has a big game, but he is wildly inconsistent, and with the exception of his scoring potential, he really doesn't contribute anything else because he's not a good defender or passes. Foye, Mike Miller, and even Stevenson should continue to get minutes over Young at the two-guard spot, and three deep at one position is probably enough.

I'm not quite ready to say "I told you so" about my boy Andray Blatche, but I'm pretty damn close. In the three games so far, he is averaging 21 points and six rebounds, and doing all of the things that make him a unique player. He is shooting great from midrange, running the fast break, and actually playing decent defense. I'm not implying that these numbers will continue in a few weeks when Antawn Jamison comes back, but there is no reason that he won't play like this until then. I'd like to see him get to the foul line a little more, but he is giving huge points where we all thought Wizards would struggle while Jamison is hurt.

While it's true that every team evaluation occurring at this point means nothing, the Wizards' means even less because everyone knows that the success of this team rides on Gilbert Arenas' health. People thought that the Wiz could be as high as competing for the elite, or struggling to make the playoffs; there wasn't any consensus on which. Now that we have seen a little bit of what this team could do, I'd say that this team could finish as high as the two or three seed if Gil is healthy, and as low as sixth is Gil misses a lot of the season. Either way, things look much better than any other team from D.C.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Welcome Back Wizards

The NBA season has officially started, and for those who haven't read anything i've ever written, I find this to be about as exciting as going to see fireworks on acid (which I'm just natural assuming is awesome). Not only that, but my boy Gilbert Arenas decided he wasn't going to mess around and helped the Wizards kick the season off with a big win over the Dallas Mavericks.

The Wizards had several questions going into this game and answered every one of them. Besides the health of Gil's knee, people wanted to see who would take over for Jamison, who will miss the first month of the season, as well as whether or not Andray Blatche will be that much better. All of these questions were answered in the second quarter when Blatche switched into a gear we haven't seen before.

Blatche has worked significantly harder this offseason and all of us fans were waiting to see if it was translating. I'm not saying anything is for sure after one game, but this 20 point, nine rebound performance was a great sign.

It wasn't just Blatche that impressed though, Randy Foye made his new fans happy by repeatedly scorching the net in the fourth quarter to help ice the game. The bottom line is that the Wizards legitimately have eight players on the roster who can put up 20 on any night, so even if one is injured (like Jamison), or has an off day, this team still has amazing firepower.

The Dallas Mavericks are a 50+ win team and we just beat them in their house. Putting that into perspective, the Wizards won six road games all of last year. Comparing this team to that one isn't fair to anyone because if this team is as good as it just played, Cleveland and Boston better look out.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

God Must Hate The Clippers

For decades, the Los Angeles Clippers have been not just one of the worst franchises in basketball, but in all of sports. They have only had two winning seasons and three playoff appearances since they moved to LA in 1984. Now, as a team that might have contended for a playoff spot, they lose their star forward and number one draft pick in Blake Griffin.

In seven games this preseason, Griffin showed that he 'is who we thought he was' (Denny Green will always make me laugh); a freakish athlete who is one of the most ferocious rebounders you will see. Not only that, but he had a pretty good core around him with Rasual Butler, Baron Davis, and Marcus Camby. Instead of getting to see that exciting team, Clipper fans will have the pleasure of seeing their star sitting on the bench for the first six weeks because of a stress fracture in his knee cap.

First of all, if you have ever been to LA, the whole city is purple and gold and the Clippers could never change that. The Lakers will always be the kings of the city whether they are led by Magic Johnson, Kobe, or whoever their next superstar is. Think about this, since 1984, when the Clippers were moving in, the Lakers have made it to the finals 11 times, winning it seven. The Clippers could win the next five NBA titles and would still be seen as the team that plays in the Lakers arena when they aren't using it. In fact, if the Clippers were to go on that run, the LA Times would be focusing on why the Lakers haven't been to an NBA Finals in five years, and not the five NBA titles the other team just won.

I agree that sports fans are all about 'what have you done for me now,' but at some point, the tradition of some teams overrides that. Teams like the Celtics and the Yankees will always be the king in their city and if another team were to move into their city, they would be nothing more than the step-child no one loves. And yes, I am aware that New York has the Mets, but I am including them in the unloved children group.

The good news for the Clippers is that no one other than people in Los Angeles will even be able to see them, thus making it impossible to see what they will look like without Griffin. The bad new...everything else. They are looking at another sub-.500 year where no one in their city even cares because the Lakers are contenders for another O'Brian Trophy. Maybe Griffin can comeback around new years and at least give the team a little bit of flash while they don't make the playoffs.

Monday, October 26, 2009

One of the Best World Series' Money Can Buy

This years World Series is going to be great if you were never a fan of Cinderella stories. The series will feature two teams in the top ten in payroll with both spending over 113 million dollars on their team. That being said, lets break this down and see who possesses the advantage here.

Starting Pitching: Each team's starter is a borderline god, so CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee will be a great matchup that we could possibly see three times. After that though, things get interesting. The Phillies have Pedro, JA Happ, and a struggling Cole Hamels, where as, the Yankees don't really have a fourth starter. If they go with Chad Gaudin, he won't have a shot against the game four starter, who I'm guessing will be Happ. However, the bottom line is that the yankees first three starters (Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and Andy Pettite) will control the outcome of this series
Advantage: small to Yankees

Batting: I never thought I'd say this, but I think the Yankees aren't as dangerous as the Phillies here. I'm not saying they aren't great, but the Phil's have more weapons near the bottom of their lineup. I really like guys like Jason Worth and Carlos Ruiz to be key factors in this game. The Yankees middle is as treacherous as any though and if I'm Philadelphia, I'm doing what the Angels did and walk ARod whenever I can.
Advantage: very small to Phillies

Bullpen- With Joba, Phil Hughes, and Mariano Rivera in the Yankees 'pen, all a starter needs to do is get through six. Its one of the greatest trios in baseball right now. The Phillies though are suspect here; Brad Lidge has been good, but he hasn't been tested much nor has he faced a lineup like this.
Advantage: big to Yankees

Bench: Other than Matt Stairs, who you will only get one at-bat from a game, the Phillies don't have the depth you would expect from a NL team. On the other side, The Yanks have lots of depth in Rod Gardner, Jerry Hairston, and Jose Molina, something that could come in handy.
Advantage: Yankees

Coaching: Joe Girardi tried to over-manage in the ALCS and it resulted in the series lasting longer than it should have. Jerry Manual has been here before and knows exactly what to do. If the Phillies are going to win this, they will need some great decisions by Manuel on who to use in the bullpen
Advantage: Phillies

I really wanted to not pick New York because they are everything that is evil in this world, but they are just too good. The Phillies are a mediocre team at home which will hurt them, and even though they are the best road team in the MLB, it will be different in New York. My prediction is that the Yankkes will win in six games, with Mark Texiera (the godless asshole) getting the MVP.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday Notes

There isn't one thing that I want to focus on, so I'll give you a buffet of sorts.

-It was absolutely wonderful to watch football today without it being ruined by the Redskins. I have come to see watching pro football as a chore recently because, well, watching the 'Skins play is just painful.

-I understand its hard to predict how bad teams are going to be, but this is the second time in three years that the NFL has sent a winless team (Miami in 2007) to London to play a powerhouse. Tampa Bay got to travel over the Atlantic Ocean to get thrashed by what appears to be a completely healthy Tom Brady.

-I bet it felt good for Cedric Benson to run all over the team that labeled him a bust and convinced everyone he was so bad, that he had to sign with the Bengals. Lookingback on that draft, he was better than both Ronnie Brown and Cadillac Williams.
-My god does Carolina suck. Buffalo could only muster 3 points against the Browns, but put up 20 big ones against the Panthers? Dude.

-It was announced today that Mark McGwire is going to be St. Louis' hitting coach next year for Tony La Russa. La Russa has been trying to convince the Big Mac to take this job for five years and I'm trying to figure out why. The guy is a career .263 hitter and had one of the most uppercut swings in baseball. Now, if he signed him to help the team acquire "herbal supplements," I'd understand that.

-Pedro Martinez came out publicly and said if the Yankees make it to the World Series, he wants game 2. I say I hate Pedro because my brother loves him, but he is one of the most clutch pitchers in the game and it would be stupid to give it to someone else. Hamels has been a bum, and Pedro has pitched gems in New York many times.

-When the Nationals fired Manny Acta I told everyone that it wasn't his fault and that he would find somewhere else to manage. Well, I was right because he was signed by the Indians today. It will be interesting to see how he does because even though Cleveland sucks, so does everyone else in the AL Central.

-The referee strike is over even though no one cared to begin with. I'm pretty sure the only thing they won in the strike was that the NBA now has to pay for their whistles. Honestly, what made them think they had any leverage?

-Antawn Jamison will be out for the first 3-5 weeks of the season. Why does everyone get injured as soon as they come to DC. Did you know that Jamison had played in almost 350 consecutive games in a row before coming here? Andray Blatche better be ready to step up because I'm expecting us to get off to a good start.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The No Class Organization of the Redskins

At around 9 o'clock this morning, ESPN broke a shocking story that the Redskins are going to keep Jim Zorn as its head coach for the remainder of the season. This news was not only shocking to me as a fan who believes Zorn doesn't have what it takes to be a head coach, but as someone who just feels bad for the guy.

Zorn was initially hired to be our offensive coordinator and to call the plays; we finally gave him the job of head scapegoat (because that is the primary job of a head coach in D.C. these days) only when all other coaches laughed at us. He was an offensive mind from the very beginning and the Redskins knew that was what he brought to the table. Yet, here we are at 2-4 and we are stripping play calling-Zorns only real asset-away from him? What does he have to offer at this point?

It wasn't until a friend of Zorn, Steve Largent spoke up that I realized why Snyder took play calling from Zorn; he wanted Zorn to resign and thus void his contract. It had nothing to do with trying to jump start the was a ploy to save money. If it had anything to do with winning, he wouldn't have gotten Zorns replacement from a retirement home.

This is where I really wish I was kidding.

The Redskins "offensive consultant" Sherman Lewis was actually working in a retirement home as the person in charge of choosing ping pong balls for bingo. Yea, he was once a successful offensive "genius," but so was Steve Spurrier right? Seriously though, unless our plays are called "B 36" or "A 19," he isn't going to have any idea what play he's calling.

The bottom line is that I respect Zorn more that ever because he is still here. Not only has the whole city turned on him, but Snyder just destroyed every bit of self esteem he had, yet he still is willing to stick it out. The thing that I think is important here is that the reason he is staying is not because of money, its because he doesn't want to abandon his players in a horrible time like this. He is basically nailing himself to the cross so players like Campbell or the young guys that were thrust into a makeshift offensive-line don't have to deal with constant criticism. Zorn knows a young player can't function , let alone get better, when he is made out to be worthless.

I know I always say that organizations like the New York Giants or the Boston Red Sox would never do this because they have more class, but this is worst than not having class; it's a matter of not having respect for other people. In the last week, I have learned that not only is Dan Snyder a horrible owner, but he's just a horrible human being who will always think of money first. I honestly don't know how he sleeps.