This next segment was supposed to be included with my favorite people, but I guess I had a little bit too much love to give out. Instead, you get an entire segment of people I hate. For the most part, you have heard of most of these people, because well, I haven’t exactly been shy about my disliking of them. Oh, well…let the roasting begin!
Joakim Noah- I was going to spend this paragraph talking about how I hate him less now because I don’t have to see him nearly as much now that he is just a decent player in the NBA. However, I put his name in my google search and stumbled onto a picture of his girlfriend…f&%$ that. The guy’s mom is a supermodel and by some mutant genetic mixup, he looks like a werewolf. Despite this, he goes home to that? In the two years Florida won the national championship (’06 and’07), I had to see his stupid ass everywhere because he felt the need to fist pump and let out a monstrous scream every time he scored a freaking basket. In addition, just when I thought I could get over how douchey the guy was, I got to sit in the second row of a Bulls game and realized how bad he is. The picture here is one my mom took…observe.
Michael Jordan- Most people will be like “Nick, how can you hate the greatest basketball player of all time??” My response? All six of his championships were in the 90’s. As for his time with the Wizards, the guy played three shit seasons, never led us to the playoffs, and crippled our franchise because he drafted Kwame Brown (also on the list) when we had the no. 1 pick. He was not the savior of D.C. basketball; that was Gil. He was the old guy that was fired by the owner, got pissed off, and stormed out of town.
Kwame Brown- Part of my hatred for him isn’t his fault; getting drafted number one wasn’t his fault. However, failing worst than the average second round pick was. Kwame had some of the most pure athletic talent I’ve seen and just seemed to not give any effort. I have never, to this day, found a player who cold be more invisible than Kwame on the court. How a guy can play 35 minutes in a game and barely have any stats at all, good or bad, is beyond me. When the Wizards finally traded him, I took pleasure in checking the LA Laker chat boards and watching the Laker fans realize they traded for a piece of crap.
Adam Morrison- Oh man, I’m gonna have a field day with this one. Morrison is my favorite person for many reasons, but they all stem from the pleasure I take in watching him fail.
1. His stupid mustache made everyone compare him to Larry Bird even though I knew his skills couldn’t compete in the athletic NBA.
2. He started to cry…scratch that…sob after his loss in the NCAA tournament. He was basically having a temper tantrum like a seven year old. He held no sense of composure even though he was basically the face of the NCAA at the time.
3. He was the first draft pick by Michael Jordan, who you all know I hate, and I took pleasure in watching him fail.
4. He got a championship ring for being on the Lakers despite getting as much time as the watering boy. Seriously, he didn’t even get to be in the huddle during timeouts. He stood awkwardly.
JJ Redick- I was way harsher on this guy than I needed to. In hindsight, the only reason I was mean to him was because he was the best player on Duke and killed Maryland on a regular basis. That being said, that is still enough of a reason for me to hate him; probably not the several voodoo rituals that I may or may not have performed on him, but still.
Mark Texiera- My hatred of this douche is well documented, so I will just leave it at this…F%&# HIM
Mercury Morris- I wrote about this guy two days ago, but I still need him on the list. The guy hasn’t played ball for 30+ years and is somehow still relevant. Why? Because he is the one player from the 1972 dolphins who thinks it is cool to brag about a record that took place in a different era. There is a reason that he is the only one who is interviewed, because he is the only pompous one on the team that still wants to be known as an ass.
Commentators- It is honestly to not that hard to be a decent analyst. Not everyone can be like the guys I really like such as Mark May, or Merril Hoge, but that doesn’t give them permission to be complete imbeciles. That being said, here is a short list of people that make me cringe every time I hear their voice… Stan Van Gundy, Avery Johnson, Lou Holtz, Jesse Palmer1, Sonny Jurgensen, and Charles Barkley (most of the time).
Well that just about does it. However, you guys know me pretty well. If you think I missed someone let me know and I’ll add them. We only have one more segment to go!
1. I just turned ESPN and immediately heard his dumb ass. Oh well, there goes my good day.