Sunday, December 27, 2009

Urban Meyer Retires Part 2: "Just Kidding"

After making what seemed at the time to be a quick and brash decision to retire, Urban Meyer has decided that he was just kidding, and is taking a temporary leave of absence instead. REALLY!?

Why the hell would you go to the effort of making a public announcement if you weren't sure about it? How made up could his mind possibly have been that he changed it 20 hours later? Hell, it took a few months for Brett Favre to realize he wanted to comeback, and he will go down as the worst flip-flopper in sports history.

Every retired coach or player interviewed has always said to not make a retirement decision after the season ends because you are so drained that any choice will be skewed. However, you see players and coaches decide that retirement is the best option...and then it isn't, all of the time.

Let's use this as an opportunity to mock other people that can't make up their minds about critical sports decisions:

Billy Donovan- after winning back-to-back NCAA titles with the Florida Gators, Donovan accepted the coaching job for the Orlando Magic and changed his mind in just 2 days. He lost out on coaching the Superman, Dwight Howard, and a team that made it to the NBA finals last season despite having Stan Van Gundy as its coach1

Brett Favre-we all remember it. Favre sobbing at the table as he retired; telling us he had nothing more to give. I remember thinking it was actually kind of cute. A comeback, another retirement, and another comeback later, makes him nothing more than comical.

Michael Jordan- most people have no idea about rumors that MJ first retirement was partially due to a possible suspension by the NBA because of his gambling problem (this is actually true). That being said, anyone who comes back more than once gets to be on this list as a moron. His stint with the Wizards was terribleNot only that, the guy goes down as the second worst GM in sports history behind Matt Millen.

Brett Favre- He needs to be on the list more than once.

Allen Iverson- Retired in the middle of this season basically because no one loves him :’(. Despite this, Iverson signs with his old team in Philadelphia like two weeks later and loses serious man points as he sobs at the press conference because he is so happy.

Roger Clemens- After 19 seasons, Clemens decided to hang up his cleats in 2003. He then discovered the wonderful affects of steroids2 and came back to play for the Houston Astros from 2004-06. He retired again, only to agree to play for the Yankees for one more season…so long as he didn’t have to play in April or May. What an ass.

Ricky Williams- By July of 2005, William had smoked so much pot that he forgot that he played professional football. He retired, and moved to India to study holistic medicine. It took just one year to realize that he had no money and was forced to return to football. The small problem with this is that he had so much THC in his system from years of blazing, that he failed his fourth drug test and was suspended for the year. After spending a season in the Canadian Football League3, he returned to the NFL and is still decent.

Brett Favre- (reserved for when he retires again, then comes back because he thinks he can win another Superbowl riding on the coat tails of Adrian Peterson)

George Steinbrenner- In the funniest flip-flopping series in all of sports, the legendary Yankees owner hired and fired manager Billy Martin five times in just 13 years. Think about this, Steinbrenner fired Martin, and then decided that he was the best man for the job FOUR MORE TIMES! Martin coached the Yankees from 1975-78, and then single seasons in ’79, ’83, ’85, and ’88. If only I was alive for that…I would have had a field day mocking them. Come to think of it, I still am 20+ years later.

1. Stan Van Gundy is just a terrible coach. When things don't go his way, he pouts and complains without actually trying to change anything. His inadequacy as a coach is only surpassed by his brother's as an NBA game commentator. The tragedy of it all, is that this makes him the most successful one in his family.

2. Am I allowed to say that? I'm not? Shit!...err...I meant to say that he experienced a wonderful revival that can TOTALLY be explained by something other than performance enhancing drugs.

3. Watching Canadians play football is fun. It's like watching Americas play soccer or hockey. Have you ever seen them? the field goal post is in the middle of the field! Tell me your not wishing a receiver accidentally runs full speed into the post every time. You're not? You think I'm a terrible person? Ok...I'll stop talking.

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