Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mark McGwire is Hilarious

Remember the blog I wrote on Tom Cable where I probably made him want to cry? Well I’ve decided to do that again, and Mark McGwire has given me the perfect target. I know I use the phrase “accidently hilarious” a lot, but McGwire gets put in that category.

For those who haven’t heard the Big Mac admitted to using steroids yesterday, sending the sports world into a spiral. Ok, not really. The average response was very similar to when that American Idol dude announced he was gay; the entire nation collectively said, “yea, we know.”

First of all, why did he cry? He isn’t telling the world his uncle molested him as a child, he is saying he cheated over ten years ago. I mean come on. The first time we saw an athlete cry because he was admitting he took steroids, it was endearing. Now, it is as expected as Brett Favre retiring after every NFL season.

The best ever will always be A-Rod last season when he just randomly stopped in mid sentence and gave an Oscar winning performance. He even squeezed out a few tears for something he clearly didn’t care about. The whole thing could not have been more rehearsed.

Next came the excuses, which is always fun. I haven’t used “lol” since middle school, but this is the closest I have ever come. For McGwire to say that he didn’t take the steroids for increasing his power was a hilarious move. The American public is stupid, but not that idiotic.

My favorite part was when he said that “God gave him the gift to hit homeruns.” I might be able to let this slide if his stats didn’t say otherwise…that is unless God only gave him this ability for only four seasons. If the ability to hit homeruns was from God, then how did you only hit 30-35 homeruns a year for the Athletics until 1996? Is it just that God hate Oakland? I mean, everyone else does, but I thought God might be able to look past that.

Every sports outlet has covered all of this, and yet, not a single person has pointed out the best part of the entire interview. Mark McGwire has lost so much weight because he isn’t juicing any more that his neck definitely looks like a vagina. Seriously, look up the video. If you can take your eyes off his neck and concentrate on what he is saying, you clearly didn’t have as much fun as I did with that interview.

Never in my life have I seen someone who needed a scarf more than McGwire. I know that he hasn’t been relevant for ten years, but there is no way that he isn’t aware of High Def television. So there wasn’t one point during makeup where he realized that his neck needed to be hidden from my sight. After all, it is all about me.

The timing of this announcement makes a lot of sense because he is going to be the hitting coach for the Cardinals this year. What doesn’t make sense is why he is going to be the hitting coach. Even if we believe that he isn’t 100% full of shit about his homeruns, and is maybe just 50%, he still isn’t qualified to be a hitting coach. He had the most uppercut swing in all of baseball, and was a career .263 hitter. Now, if he had a title like “herbal supplement provider”, it would be understandable. After all, I wouldn’t say Albert Pujols is definitely on steroids, but

I would pay good money to go to the Cards’ first day of spring training to see the first conversation between McGwire and Albert Pujols. Does Pujols laugh when McGwire tries to give him advice? I would.

At the end of the day, this admission wasn’t a big sports story. In fact, it was covered less than any other steroid story since the beginning of “steroid era.” I just wanted to make sure you were able to see a neck that resembles the female reproductive organ so much, the FCC should have been forced to blurr it out.

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